Prophetic Stickers


 

I am a professional bumper sticker writer. By "professional," I mean that my bumper stickers are published -- that is to say, they become physical objects to be placed on the back of one's car. (And I get "royalties" -- as much as $15.26 per quarter.) Of course, the great majority of the slogans I write never find their way onto a bumper. But I keep a scrupulous list of them, for my own obsessive reasons.

Looking through my slogan file yesterday, I noticed that I had unconsciously prophesied the Occupy Wall Street movement, in the form of a series of less-than-18-word utterances. See for yourself:

CAPITALISM

KILLS BEES

 

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR PLANET CAN DO FOR YOU,

ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR PLANET

 

BE HERE

NOWADAYS

 

JESUS CURED

MY ROAD RAGE

 

MY UNIBROW IS LONGER

THAN YOUR MUSTACHE

 

DO YOU SMELL VINEGAR?

 

WHERE IS ROBIN HOOD NOW

THAT WE REALLY NEED HIM?

 

WHAT DOESN'T KILL ME

MAKES ME SMARTER

 

HONK IF YOU'RE MY

FRIEND ON FACEBOOK!

 

LIVE IN ASTONISHMENT

 

REPLACE CAPITALISM

WITH SCRABBLE

 

STEP ON

NO PETS

 

REDUCE MILITARY SPENDING! TURN

THE PENTAGON INTO A TRIANGLE!

 

TRUST

FUN

 

IF ALL ELSE FAILS, GRIPE!

 

I ? OXYGEN

 

I PRACTICE ABSTINENCE

-- MOST OF THE TIME!

 

MCDONALD'S

MAKES ME PUKE

 

BRANGELINA ARE ADOPTING THE

WORLD, ONE CHILD AT A TIME

 

STOP ALL THE

DAMN WARS!

 

JESUS LOVES MOSQUES

 

WHICH CELEBRITY

DO YOU WORSHIP?

 

VIRTUE IS ITS OWN REWARD, BUT

VICE MAKES THE BIG BUCKS

 

MY INNER CHILD JUST

ENTERED ADOLESCENCE

 

THE LEADER OF THE TEA

PARTY IS THE MAD HATTER

 

SOMEDAY SARAH PALIN WILL

PUT ME IN A PRISON CAMP

 

HAS YOUR PARADIGM SHIFTED YET?

 

WIKILEAKS

WILL END WAR

 

SAY YES TO ANYTHING

 

OLD SOLDIERS NEVER DIE --

THEY JUST GO ON MEDICATION

 

STILL MOURNING

CAPTAIN KANGAROO

 

TALK GLOBALLY,

WALK LOCALLY

 

WIMPS HATE THE FEDERAL RESERVE;

REAL MEN HATE THE BANKS!

 

LIVE SOFTLY

 

I JUST QUIT THE

PATRIARCHY

 

WORK MAKES

ME DROWSY

 

[Note: STEP ON NO PETS is a palindrome.]

 

Image by philliecasablanca, courtesy of Creative Commons license.