Prophetic Stickers


 

I am a professional
bumper sticker writer. By "professional," I mean that my bumper
stickers are published — that is to say, they become physical objects to be
placed on the back of one's car. (And I get "royalties" — as much as
$15.26 per quarter.) Of course, the great majority of the slogans I write never
find their way onto a bumper. But I keep a scrupulous list of them, for my own
obsessive reasons.

Looking through my
slogan file yesterday, I noticed that I had unconsciously prophesied the Occupy
Wall Street movement, in the form of a series of less-than-18-word utterances.
See for yourself:

CAPITALISM

KILLS BEES

 

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR
PLANET CAN DO FOR YOU,

ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO
FOR YOUR PLANET

 

BE HERE

NOWADAYS

 

JESUS CURED

MY ROAD RAGE

 

MY UNIBROW IS LONGER

THAN YOUR MUSTACHE

 

DO YOU SMELL VINEGAR?

 

WHERE IS ROBIN HOOD
NOW

THAT WE REALLY NEED
HIM?

 

WHAT DOESN'T KILL ME

MAKES ME SMARTER

 

HONK IF YOU'RE MY

FRIEND ON FACEBOOK!

 

LIVE IN ASTONISHMENT

 

REPLACE CAPITALISM

WITH SCRABBLE

 

STEP ON

NO PETS

 

REDUCE MILITARY
SPENDING! TURN

THE PENTAGON INTO A
TRIANGLE!

 

TRUST

FUN

 

IF ALL ELSE FAILS,
GRIPE!

 

I ? OXYGEN

 

I PRACTICE ABSTINENCE

MOST OF THE
TIME!

 

MCDONALD'S

MAKES ME PUKE

 

BRANGELINA ARE
ADOPTING THE

WORLD, ONE CHILD AT A
TIME

 

STOP ALL THE

DAMN WARS!

 

JESUS LOVES MOSQUES

 

WHICH CELEBRITY

DO YOU WORSHIP?

 

VIRTUE IS ITS OWN
REWARD, BUT

VICE MAKES THE BIG
BUCKS

 

MY INNER CHILD JUST

ENTERED ADOLESCENCE

 

THE LEADER OF THE TEA

PARTY IS THE MAD
HATTER

 

SOMEDAY SARAH PALIN
WILL

PUT ME IN A PRISON
CAMP

 

HAS YOUR PARADIGM
SHIFTED YET?

 

WIKILEAKS

WILL END WAR

 

SAY YES TO ANYTHING

 

OLD SOLDIERS NEVER
DIE —

THEY JUST GO ON
MEDICATION

 

STILL MOURNING

CAPTAIN KANGAROO

 

TALK GLOBALLY,

WALK LOCALLY

 

WIMPS HATE THE
FEDERAL RESERVE;

REAL MEN HATE THE
BANKS!

 

LIVE SOFTLY

 

I JUST QUIT THE

PATRIARCHY

 

WORK MAKES

ME DROWSY

 

[Note: STEP ON NO PETS is a palindrome.]

 

Image by philliecasablanca, courtesy of Creative Commons license.