Sustainable Love
Wendy Strgar
Recently, after I reviewed another book on greening the fashion world, the publisher sent me a note saying that she had seen my site www.goodcleanlove.com and was going to send me another new book she thought I would be interested in: Sex Secrets of Porn Stars.
I wondered if she had actually read anything on my site.
After years of attending the big Vegas "Sex Shows," it had become increasingly clear that my corporate mission, brand identity and personal beliefs about the connection between love and sex was a universe removed from both the intent and content of the adult industry.
Giving into curiosity, however, I opened the book to the first page, where the author compares the women we emulate, like Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Margaret Mead, with the famous women of the silver screen, the ones who bare it all: the stars of pornography. The author suggests that if we emulated these women (instead of great women's rights leaders?) we would all enjoy the pleasures of the flesh. The plot thickens, as the author details everything from the hair, make up and costume choices of porn stars, to their borrowed positions and scripts, suggesting all of this in order to spice up one's own love life.
Ironically on the same day, I got a lengthy email from a New York literary agent with whom I had been corresponding about publishing my work in book form. Having made contact with her through an editor at a large publishing house, I was anxious to hear her thoughts on how best to position my work. She said that although she liked my work, the idea of the work involved in building and maintaining sustainable relationships just wouldn't sell nearly as well as a cute book about discovering and enjoying a more passionate life. "Couldn't you just write a book about finding more passion? After all, you have this cute company that sells sex products.... Just downplay all the hard work in relationships, people don't really want to read about that."
It occurred to me to send her Sex Secrets of the Porn Stars.
I do sometimes feel that my tag line – "Making Love Sustainable" – is a little like pushing a big rock up a steep hill. We aren't really a culture that applies the wisdom of sustainability to our most important relationships. Often when I use my tag line, there is a thoughtful pause, as though the idea were completely new. It isn't just about promoting green and healthy products (although the adult industry could certainly do with a green washing of its standard ingredients). It is also about the deeper possibility that we might be willing to give up momentary happiness or the ease we expect our relationships to provide and actually commit to the work of making our relationships sustainable and lasting - perhaps with the same effort we might put into our homes, businesses and personal health.
How far our collective reality is from this sustainable love model is evidenced in our society's demographics: from rising divorce statistics, to the trends of young people who choose to "hook up" or to be "friends with benefits" rather than engage in committed relationships, to the commonness of pornography in our lives. The percentages of people who participate in the on-line pornographic universe, for instance, are startling. One in four adults spends four or more hours per week in sexual experiences that are cut off from the relationships that define their lives. Many actually prefer these virtual relationships to the real ones that fill their homes. In a time when there has never been more opportunity and technology to connect to each other, we have never seen the incidence of this many people living alone.
That we don't choose to stay in real love relationships is not that surprising, as loving another person is one of the most challenging and elevated skills that we are demanded to develop as human beings. Most of us come from families which gave us little useful information on how to love with longevity and commitment. And if you graduated from any public institution in this country, then you know how little relationship skills are provided in the standard K-12 curriculum. Even skills as basic as conflict resolution are rarely standard for children, compared with say, geometry. Given our collective history of warring and pillaging, you would think it might occur to our society that loving each other is not an ingrained quality in the human makeup. Rather than a sideline activity, it could be that teaching the skills of loving, relationship-building and conflict resolution could be something for which we try to achieve mastery.
Still, as complicated and messy as loving relationships can be, they are also the only avenue available to us that can provide the kind of mind-blowing, wow-that-was-amazing sex that we all long for most. Making love with someone who you deeply love is a singular experience that so unites the intimates involved that it transforms them. It is the proverbial glue that keeps the rest of the mess intact and inspires people to a compassion and kindness that they may not even know they are capable of. It is the truest part of what it means to be human and the act of love that accompanies it has the power to change the world.
And change the world it does. Loving someone is the largest single predictor for health and longevity. As Dr. Dean Ornish says: "Love and intimacy are at the root of what makes us sick and what makes us well, what causes sadness and what brings happiness, what makes us suffer and what leads to healing...I am not aware of any other factor in medicine - not diet, not smoking, not exercise, not stress, not genetics, not drugs, not surgery - that has a greater impact on our quality of life, incidence of illness and premature death from all causes."
Love is the cure as well as the illness in our world, and evolving our ability to love increases not only our chances of survival but creates a depth and meaning in life that can only happen in relationship.
The healing effects of intimacy and connection extend deeply into the physical act of lovemaking. Hundreds of major medical studies have shown that an active sex life leads to a longer life, better heart health, a healthier immune response, reduction in chronic pain symptoms, lower rates of depression and even protection against some cancers. Men who have regular sex (only twice per week) have half as many heart attacks as men who only have sex once per month. In fact, a regular garden variety sex life has been shown to extend life by as much as ten years. People who enjoy a meaningful sex life are less anxious, fearful and inhibited.
So now that you are sold on the benefits of love and intimacy, let's also reveal the unspoken truth about sustaining love over time: loving someone else and allowing yourself to be deeply loved is an act of heroic patience, intention and commitment. After the honeymoon wears off (and I promise it always does) we humans are all as annoying as we are loveable. Accepting this as fact and then building the skills to undertake the daily problem-solving of loving, is not only wise, but is also a prerequisite for enjoying the kind of sex that can change your world.
Stay tuned here as we continue to explore new regions of the heart and the delights of sustainable love. Please share your stories of keeping your love vital and healthy too.
Images by Rachel Sian, used courtesy of a Creative Commons license.
- Wendy Strgar's blog
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man this stuff is depressing
Reading this feels sort of disempowering to me personally as I do not currently and have not for a long time been involved with anyone in a relationship which inlcluded sex...
Its like not only do i have to endure this barren, miserable, loveless existence for reasons I can't understand, but now I have to die of cancer too?
Well gee, that's some of the worst news I've ever read. In fact its sooo damn depressing I almost can't take it serious.
Hmm, Maybe I should rent a vagina for the night.
honestly though, I think living without love is really what's killing us all. Some of us faster than others (some slower)... and since we're all one and connected in a holographic whole, theoritically it follows that if even one of is being without love, then in some sense the part of everyone else that that one being reflects is also not recieving love and that lack will eventually lead to the death of the whole... Perhaps 2012 date will mark a turning point at which a new dimension will open that will allow humanity to understand what love really means in a new way and what it really means to love which will open new possibilities for love to be manfested... (anyone else care to comment)?
I don't have any solutions or answers to any of this. Reich believed the secret to immortality was in the orgasm... makes sense as orgasms are in fact what bestow life.
and that's right too
Bring on the hard work.
Please, never write: "...is not only wise, but is also a prerequisite for enjoying the kind of sex that can change your world;" Just: -- unpleasant flashbacks to my girlfriend.
Honestly, I agree with your friends: We're in this game for passion. We know all about "the work." We do "the work" on a daily and regular basis; It's a real grind. What we could really use is some fresh memories of what the passion was like; Its so far and away, a beautiful but now painful memory. If we want real vitality in our life, we need passion.
"Sex is for Love" (looking at your blog) is the old Paper for Gold.. Men know everything they need to know about sex and love; We do not need to be retrained into our own natures. In short, you are trying to get men to want something that they do not value, and to get men to not want something that they do.
Is your target audience men or women? "...loving someone else and allowing yourself to be deeply loved is an act of heroic patience, ..." -- such phrases don't mean anything to men. I mean, my friends and I can imagine women loving us, and then "allowing ourselves to be deeply loved," but we're more busy making sure it's not too obvious that we're stealing a look at the pretty girl on the street. We know it's "wrong," but, ... it's our nature. The majority evidence is that we succeed in this struggle to surpress ourselves, thought.
I remember reading about a tribe that, before a battle, were served dinner by the women of the tribe, whom were all naked; I only imagine what happened afterwards-- We're all fools for being born in the wrong times.
The reality forever is and has been, that she attracts, he chases, she resists, he asserts; There's not really much in there about her loving him. It's the women's magazines, written for women, that go on about "allowing yourself to be loved." Not men's.
If you're doing something radical, and writing for women, perhaps stress "loving him." And by "loving him," I mean "loving him in the way he wants to be loved." Anything else is just so much self-appeasement.
Women already know all about receiving love; Their whole life system is entirely about the careful management of the receipt of love. No need to belabor that point. But "loving men" is probably not going to be a very popular message; Women select men. The image of the magazine ad; The man and woman are being married, his head is replaced with the image of a house -- it's an ad targetting women, something about mortgages I think. Men have had their noses rubbed in the painful truths about men's realities; Can we really go on without looking at women's?
Are we looking for real change? Stress the virtues of promiscuity, and advise on how to hire an escort for him. Now that would be an incredible show of love. (And it would be felt deeply: "I had no idea you loved me so deeply," would be the shocked response.)
Men have never had problems loving women. It's just our nature. Being loved is treasured (as a curious artifact) in the rare event that it happens, (beyond "she's letting me stand next to her;") it's just very rare; I (and most of my male friends) have not once, ever in our lives, received a love letter. But those of us who are permanently coupled have all been ordered to get the flowers delivered. It's be really surprising to receive love and affection. But the title of the song is NOT "How does He know that You love Him?" Not so much rare, as alien.
(Cautionary note: Love letters could never be a substitute for sex. It's still be really amazing, though.)
Sudden memory: My mom related to me waiting for boys to call her. "Well why didn't you just pick up the phone and call a boy?" Oh no, that's not how it works.
I've begun to see glimpses of how the game fits into masculine essential nature (which nobody really argues over,) gender politics, feminism, economics, the disposability of men, and who pays which bills, and so on. Stray questions about the etymology of "maternity, maternal," and "materialism" have crossed my mind, and I begin to see how it is that men are associated with the heavens, intuition, and shamanism. Women have been more practical minded, no?
The birds in the picture my friend showed me, that he took in the wilds of Africa. The male bird constructs a nest. The female comes in, and checks it out. If she doesn't like it, she'll tear it apart. If she does like it, she'll stay. The picture has left a lasting impression on me; I realized then that it is the basic pattern of gendered life.
Why women are primarily associated with sustainability, and not men, is not something I understand at all. It is men who are ready to camp and rough it, not women. Men would live in cardboard boxes (and trees) if they could have sex in them. Witness the man's exit from the bachelor pad & rooming with friends. My male friends got cars and houses in the hopes that they would attract women; The hopes were confirmed.
I am beginning to agree with Rich Zubaty: My caring, nurting side, is NOT my "feminine" side; It is MY caring, nurturing side.
On top of that, I fully intend to KEEP my erotic fantasies of women; Which in practical terms means: the porn stays. Your bodies, your selves. Our imaginations, our selves. You imagine that by taking away our porn, you look more attractive to us-- What you're really doing is trying to rip out our hearts. That you cannot understand how plumage & imagery can connect with the heart is your problem, not ours. No man is cruel enough to try and tear women away from their Kales though: The men in the romance novels, who no man aspires to look like.
There are no easy answers here, and I still look for a transcendent way. Polyamory does not appear to be it to me; Poly situations fall apart so very quickly, and require incredible energy to maintain. I have never seen one that is a stable (5-year+) situation that was not a full time labor.
Sincere and honest respect for men AS men (not just the "up high" men, but all men, including the "useless" perverted old ones) may be a transcending; Or perhaps a complete and total rethinking of the sexual equation; Women, the gate keepers, would need to shut down their unions against the promiscuous. Or, ..?
These things would open REAL "new regions of the heart" and "delights of sustainable love."
Not the present-day world. And certainly not "working on it."
Distractions are only temporary...
I'm not going to address your entire post as...it's too late where I am for gender politics and I'm not even going to pretend to know much about them.
However, I noticed that you said that you need fresh memories of passion rather than reminders of the 'work.' I also know that this is the view of many (myself, a lot of the time, as well.)
Perhaps this wouldn't be the case if we didn't look continually for passion. Passion is simply unsustainable. That's not to say a relationship can't have passionate moments in it, but for it to be fabricated purely from passion would be exhausting. If we accepted that this was the case and instead learned to enjoy the myriad beauties available to us through deep, loving relationships, we wouldn't condemn the work so much and long so much for the idealised passionate memories we have.
Maintaining anything beautiful- from a garden to a friendship (to a relationship) necessitates care and work. Regardless of our changing and progressively modern lifestyles, this is the core of stable, harmonious relationships. Necessary for this is our own stability and harmony within ourselves that allows us to accept that love is not all passion and glamour.
Sorry
I appreciate what you're trying to say, but I think we just have fundamentally different natures.
I don't think you understand either me, or much about my life. (And how could you?)
Honestly, I need a different way than yours.
It's morning now..
My eyes aren't all blurry like last night, so I can write what I wanted to about the rest of your post.
I'm female, so I can't say that I 'relate to' what you were saying about men's fundamental natures, but I definitely think about it a lot and always find my reasonable mind and unreasonable mind battling it out.
You said that men are too busy 'stealing' a glance at the pretty girl on the street to worry about being loved. I'm thinking a lot of things-
My first feeling is a kind of anxiety because it's horrible to be pouring your love into someone and to imagine them feeling nothing back.
My second, more rational feeling is that people shouldn't have to worry about being loved, if it's a natural thing then worry shouldn't be part of the equation.
Then, I get confused because I'm torn between my 'unreasonable' nature, which uncontrollably feels envy and sadness at the idea of my loved one's (relative) indifference, and my 'reasonable' nature which doesn't want to force him to be anything other than he is.
Sometimes I despise that I was born female.
But is this a female thing or is it dependent on purely personal character? If it is just a female thing, then there must surely be a reason for it. It's not enough to put it down to their 'nature' out of bitterness, there must be a reason. Do we want to keep our male partner because of our instinctual habits- the man needs to stay around for protection and sustainance?
And one more note- the house + marriage thing becoming an illusion of love thing I definitely agree with...that's a problem.
children
'Do we want to keep our male partner because of our instinctual habits- the man needs to stay around for protection and sustainance? '
I think this particularly becomes an issue when children are involved, because I think it is unreasonable to expect a woman to look after her children without emotional and financial support from the children's father. In order for the mother to work, the children might get have to stay in day nuseries for too long and the working mother I imagine could become quite exhaused - or maybe that is just my own projection (thank goodness I've never had to try it).
Anyway, being in a monogamous relationship with the father of my two young children, I can see the logic in looking for a partner for 'protection and sustenance'.
Perhaps people should think more carefully about whether they really do want to have children, because with fewer children, there should potentially be more time for each child, spending time with one's friends and relative's children etc
Although I find having children very satisfying, and I think the urge to have children can be very strong, and is perhaps stronger in women than men.
I agree...
I agree that the urge for women to have children can be stronger than men. I suppose it would have to be this way? Men have the strong desire to have sex, which is all that is required of them to reproduce... I suppose women have to carry the child and thus perhaps have a stronger connection with it.
I can see how it would be difficult being on either end of conflicting views (male and female) but as a female I do feel like we're kind of getting a raw deal! We can't help, generally, to be emotionally attached- there's no real need for men to be this way and so... they're less likely to be.
Phhhht.
Beautifully expressed
A strong endorsement of long-term, committed relationships. This is one of those topics that leaps forward as a priority to consider deeply, for what is more potent in our lives and informs our way in the world than our most intimate relationship(s)?
And what is more thorny? Many questions arise: do the aforementioned benefits extend to polyamorous relationships? Or are they something particular to monogamous relationships? Is pornography a bad thing in and of itself, or is it the our society's attitude and approach to pornography? How do we define "pornography?" Infamously as the Supreme court did? As Bill Hicks did: "Every commercial on TV"? As a highly relative phenomenon?
The graphic novelist Alan Moore wrote a lengthy but insightful piece on the subject a while back which still resonates with me. Reading it one might think we should all create our own pornography.
Good and clean, yes, but also messy and particular.
Making sex sacrosanct is not necessarily the answer
Great piece, though I disagree with its limiting tone. I think we need more opening up to more possibilities, not closing down to only "making love" as a "singular" act. I agree that a take it or leave it attitude and sex without emotion turn what can be a very powerful and satisfying experience into merely getting off, but that said, there's a lot of room to play and discover in all of this, and I don't think that clamping down on any of that (no pun intended!) is the way to cure the very real wounds in the hearts of so many. In other words, i luv to be romantic and think it's important but I also need other things. Like a rough n ready good old fashioned BANG.
I like what LionKimbro said about men...we women need to do a lot of work TOO. I for one want to love my man the way he needs and wants...not just the way I think he "deserves".
peace,
jp
love
I am not sure about this article - I am not sure exactly what its point is or if I agree with its point at all. I last posted on this subject back in the summer: http://realitysandwich.com/sexual_revolution_take_two
The concept that only "sex" with someone you "love" and with whom you are in a prolonged, sustainable relationship can be "mind-blowing" and "amazing" seems to me to reflect cultural stereotypes and wishful projections, rather than express some meaningful truth of the cosmos. There is most definitely added beauty and intimacy from having a long-term love relationship, but a shorter term communion can also be magical and truly profound. I don't feel that length of time or depth of commitment are the only or the most meaningful measurements when it comes to defining the depth of love or sex. This seems to me like another effort to put Eros in a box that we think we can control with language or concept.
I like Osho's idea that one should not seek love in another person but discover it in yourself first. When you find that you yourself are love, then love relationships come to you, naturally. As long as we are seeking satisfaction from our connection with another, we will certainly be annoyed and frustrated and disappointed.
I would like to see a true resacralizing of sex and Eros, which would include commitment to using the energy of eroticism to transcend the personal and ego-ic state. Sex energy is still constantly misused and misappropriated in our culture - it is turned into another form of economic exchange. Many if not most people in our culture are still hemorrhaging sex energy, whether they are locked in monogamous relationships or not. Gerald Heard's book "Pain, Sex, and Time" discusses this in detail.
I tend to suspect that the future of the human species may require a deep transformation of consciousness around use of sex energy. Sex energy not only has to be "liberated" but intentionally channelled for purposes of inner development, as Taoist, Tantric, and alchemical traditions discuss.
I would think that truly "sustainable" "relationships" (Osho prefers "relatedness," and so do I) would only come through a change in societal paradigm, where the community grows stronger and the focus is taken off the singular couple and monogamous unit, an awkward and artificial form which developed due to Capitalist economic pressures according to Friedrich Engels.
"Will the transformation."-Rilke
sacro-sputnik
::Shedding the Excess::
~Aydra Jenson~
. . ..Keeper of the StarSix. http://myspace.com/starsixmusic. . .
I think were all interpreting the shift of Love in different ways.
. . .
To defend the quality of sex in a long term relationship I would say it it does seem to only get better over time. My partner and I of 6 years have found our intimacy only continues to exceed itself and expand. However, we conserve the act and its 'evolution' is a mirror of our own inner work. If we need something we can not provide one-another, we break. This doesn't mean go get sex from someone else per-se, but rather, seek substance and wisdom, receive support and encouragement from others and from within.
. . .
Sex is way over-rated. In order to truly uncover the gleaming gem of love-making it must be treated with devotion and honor, applied only when both parties are totally engaged and in agreement.
. . .
Its just a repeat of a popular program in our society which I call 'the disease of excess'- nothings ever satisfied. I'm sorry but justifying porn to me is like justifying eating fried conventional chips...its gross and unattractive, it disempowers both the provider and the consumer, its un-nessisary excess oozing forth from the machine.
. . .
And I'll admit I don't fully understand the mans constant 'need' to be satisfied- but having been around enough Tantric communities I will say that a truly centered man who has come into his femininity and understands the art of pleasing a women and himself is far more attractive than a high intensity male whos interests and consciousness are limited to the physical realm.
. . .
I've learned through practice, that its absolutely necessary to engage with multiple partners to achieve your highest potential. Human beings exude a magical energy which can be elevated in different ways to generate for ones own path and well being. Its extremely limiting and sheltered to confine yourself to just one partner. Playing the field with tact, devotion, consciousness and honesty is where its at.
. . .
I won't deny that its a good feeling to know that theres always one person who truly understands you. However, its easy to grow tired in that reflection, we need fresh perspectives and energy to become empowered, heroic brother and sisterhoods, to love one-another openly without fear or expectations. Imagine how good sex with a true love is after you've each spent 3 months studying with a tantric teacher. What we must examine is our attitudes, judgement, insecurities...our EGOs, you know, (Everybody's Got One)- surrounding open relationships.
. . .
I was recently reading about this group of ascended masters that Thoth apparently rescued from the Atlantis mystery school in its final decent into the ocean. He took them to the great pyramid to hide out during the flood. Afterwards many migrated towards Jerusalem and became the Essence brotherhood. Amongst the women in this group was Mothermary. This resonated with me as I do believe that Mary experienced a virgin conception and recently I put together that it could have been she procreated through the upper chakras mainly the heart and throat. Is this part of our potential from our ancestors which we have lost to our reptilian-minded, survival-oriented, male-dominant society? I'd like to think so. I'd also like to think that if we learn to once again procreate from our hearts and throats, 'sing ourselves into creation' if you will- we can dismantle our programs surrounding the act of sex and see it more as something we do to 'feed', to nurture ourselves, bring us life, fill us up with love. A communion. Like eating a meal- and then perhaps like a flower or tree, we generate a pollen or mucus through our throat glands which we exchange for the purpose of pro-creation. That would sure solve the issue of 'birth control'.
. . .
The union of sex is so sacred, how could we ever justify the way our society has beaten and abused it. Women's roles go so far beyond the caretaker, the beauty icon- each working to out-do the other. And I'm sorry but most women these days care far more about their own roles within society than finding a man with a big enough house for them to fill with things and a fast car to drive. Dyeing paradigms. Dead really in my mind.
. . .
In essence we all need love in the same way, but we process it differently- just as we are all interpreting this shifting world in unique ways, and they are all important. We must come with open minds ready to shed the excess & ego.
. . .
I don't know, I found the article a little hard to digest, some of the writing was clever, but the message didn't hook. And as for the post from LionKimbo- I wasn't really moved by any of your points. Actually it kinda felt like an attack. I find it much more common these days that women pursue men, its far more sexy and empowering for both parties & it just feels natural. I like a man to show up at my nest and observe his reaction. Also, I find sensuality to be totally necessary in re-programming mens minds about erotism. The more women openly and innocently express love to your average (closed heart male)- the more the excess will melt from his chest, allowing him to feel compassion for the extraordinary power the feminine holds. It will unleash the threshold to 'control'- imagine what it could do for politics! Doors open to infinite realms, if only we are bold and open enough to discover them and to walk through them, trusting that if we do whats best for our highest self all else will prevail.
. . .
Thanks for listening out there!
Have faith in the future
~AYDRA J~
Beautiful Words, from a High Place
You're in a beautiful world of love. Beautiful, amazing, healthy, like the elven world.
Realize that people not in that world aren't broken, bad, unenlightened, or "doing something wrong."
My life has been sexless for the last 8 years, since my daughter was conceived. I was literally blatantly (and admittedly) tricked into conceiving a child. (She reported having had a depo shot at the hospital, but in fact, she left when her name was called. Then she requested sex without a condom.) I have sacrificed my romance and sexual possibilities (men only have possibilities) to be a father for my daughter, and I feel the cut in my heart, much as I know it's worth it for my daughter.
To chastize men in the desert, begging for water, as being "too oriented on the physical," or "control-seeking," or invoking the dreaded "EGO" is, quite frankly, cruelty.
Recently, (in the last 6 months,) my partner & I started having sex again. No advice I am likely to find in this forum worked; This forum's genre of advice having been tried for year upon year. This includes old chestnuts such as, "If you don't seek, it will come to you," "Don't be so self-centered," "Do all the chores and all the logistics," and so on and so forth. Things people here think will work, and perhaps do in some cases, some relationships, but in typical application, don't.
Most men and women suffering sexless romanceless loveless marriages are simply requesting "please, some, a little, something to go by." When you look out from your oasis of plenty, multiple partners, have gratitude -- but never let it become pride. I assure you: It will strengthen your already strong spiritual evolution to understand the suffering of others.
You should know that: Most men do not experience a "male-dominated" world. The vast majority of men are the servents of society. We know exactly what our roles are, in the event of disaster, and are universally ready to carry them out. True, there are a miniscule handful of men "up high." CEOs, wealthy and rich, presidents, and so on. The vast majority of men are servants of some sort, and most men with children are trying to satisfy both their wife's desire for more, (for whom feeling sexy mysteriously coincides with the purchace of more expensive things and displays of spending money,) and the internalized demands of society on us, (our responsibilities,) which we fully understand. This isn't a theory nor a bad dream; This is fact.
Do I really live in a "male dominated" world? If so, why is it that my girlfriend makes all the "fun" purchaces, and takes out credit cards in secret, (which is made with "her" money,) and I am left paying the heavy bills and her prior debits? Why does sex stop, if I try to correct this?
Do women approach men these days? Perhaps in a younger generation-- a younger generation that unconsciously avoids the older generation. To my experience, women do not approach men who already have children, and are locked in by another woman. Again: "creeepy!", or better, "It just doesn't feel right." We console ourselves with exciting stories of workplace affairs, but it doesn't happen in our not-top-of-the-ladder male reality.
Your average man is not "a closed hearted male." And we are well accustomed to "innocent" expressions of love; We call it "teasing." Look harder, and with a wider heart.
The future can't possibly be about women re-educating men. I entertain the possibility that the masculine hierarchy is a direct response to the demands of women on men.
Aydra, you are fortunate to live in a beautiful society and consciousness. I hope your tribe does well, and grows, if in fact your tribe really meets the sexual and romantic needs of its men, (hoping your tribe isn't generation segregated,) even "useless" 60-year old "perverted" men. But you must see your tribe as your tribe, and you must understand that your tribe's solutions cannot apply outside of that tribe. Approach measurements of heart from that angle.
monogamy
'And the three enemies of the people are hegemony, monogamy and monotony!' Terence Mckenna
I think monogamous relationships are in a way compromised from the start, because just because you are in a relationship does not necessarily mean that you no longer find other people sexually attractive.
So what do you do?
There is a tendancy to perhaps ignore them or pretend that you don't find them attractive and somehow block your natural feelings and inclinations?
It does take a lot of hard work to maintain a monogamous relationship, because they are so damned difficult!
Monogamy
I find it fascinating that many of the replies here see monogamy as non viable. I am about to enter into a Civil Partnership with a man..I am a man too.On one level this is for legal reasons but it is also a public declaration of our union with friends and family around us,bringing us thier love and support. It is an 'initiation' and a 'sacrament' for us. So monogamy is an area we have discussed a lot.The issue is made more complex because I am at present a sex worker.
One big question is whether I give up this work and we enjoy sex only with each other. this has not yet been resolved..He in no way is pressurising me to give it up nor to stay with it. As a sexworker I see the value of a single sexual encounter or a series of encounters with a stranger. Most of the men I see are married in the conventional sense but have a deep need to explore other sides of their sexual desire,emotional needs, curiosity, fantasy and so on.I try to provide them with a loving, intimate experience (not everyone wants that of course so I respond to them differently)which affirms them as a person and as a man.Part fun, part hot sex, part spiritual experience. It has challenged me a great deal and enriched my life considerably...At the same time it has taken me to places of great challenge. I love my partner dearly. Apart from my work I have no desire to seek out other sexual partners. I feel desire for others as does he and when we are out and about we remark on the men we find attractive without any problems.Likewise we look at porn.We talk about our fantasies about others. It is just the way most guys are...no big deal. At the same time I recognise that monogamy does offer certain experiences which are exclusive to it (just as other kinds of sexual and emotional connection do also). By monogamy here I mean the intention and practice of having sex with only one person in the context of a lifelong commitment.
For us this is only sustainable if it is perceived as a particular spiritual path...as are celibacy, polyamory, serial encoounters, and general abandonment to where Eros leads without constraint. I see no hierarchy here, just variety and choice. It is not simply my emotional needs which desire monogamy...As I say it has spiritual connotations. For example meditating and praying together over a long period, being open and communicating, communing with a specific person brings a particular kind of knowing.
Sex with one person allows for a bonding which can only take place over many years, including an 'energetic' connection. Another word I would use is 'vocation'. The partnership becomes the alchemical vessel of transformation. It can become a 'sacred marriage', a union of souls manifested in a particular way.
Some people dedicate themeselves to one path all their lives ..for example a musician, a surgeon, a scientist, a monk...others are more various. That's cool...Why say one way is better? But each brings qualities specific to itself. Monogamy need not be merely a prison of convention...It can be entered into as a specific path...one among many...which heightens certain possibilities in particular ways. It need have nothing to do with 'falling in love' or superficial romance but can be a conscious choice, not trying to control or restrict one's partner. One commitment I have made...is that I will attempt never to try to change him, which is simply manipulation. So monogamy can be paradoxically an enhancement of choice rather than restricting it.
Either of us can go off and have sex with who we like without recrimination...If one of us really needs that then that's the reality. Stuff happens. But if one of us started to need that on a regular basis and sought it out then our path would no longer be monogamous.
The most important issue for me is 'fidelity' and I have thought a lot about what this means. It is not neccessarily a literal sexual one but fidelity to my partner's well being. If I am faithful to that then maybe all the rest falls into place.
Beautiful
I wanted to send this to you privately, rather than taking up more floor space here, but I couldn't find your email, so here it is.
Thank you, so much. This is the kind of post that leaves me wishing I were gay.
I remember reading about the "fairies," a group of gay activists. Their leader was known for his philosophy, that gay people can find a positive space in the mainstream story, as shamans, healers, or something like that. As a particular viewpoint for viewing society. I don't really know about the particulars, but what you wrote here really spoke to my heart, even across the distance of very different lives and natures. It strikes me that gay men can have unique insights into the minds of all men, and thus special insights into society as a whole.
My personal hope, which shouldn't probably count for much, but that I can't help but express, is that you'll continue your work, while persuing your spiritual relationship with your partner.
I used to joke, "I'm against gay marriage; I wouldn't wish marriage on anybody!", but it seems less funny, after I read your post. Thank you.
::Compassion::
~Aydra Jenson~. . ..
Keeper of the StarSix. http://starsixprofile.blogspot.com
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'Coming from a High place'- I hope this is directed with good intent, and on the contrary, I believe the tribe-all influence can reach out to anyone; if they so choose to participate.
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Perhaps it is difficult being a man, to make the observation that we live in a male-dominate world. And maybe the feeling of women making the calls is a reaction to 'her' suppression.
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I actually feel I've deeply connected with what goes on outside of my community, I've worked with many men as a body/breath-worker and must say that in my personal experience most 'people' in general have heart blockages. Men particularly.
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I understand your defense as the topics I raise come from a young, feminine perspective, I don't anticipate anyone to agree with me. But I far from live in a beautiful, multi-partner reality. Its more of an ideal which I think many communities are working to achieve. We catch flickering moments of this but most of the time we are creating and experiencing through fantasy, which, if practiced with right intent can become reality.
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I think the word 'tease' has questionable implications, it suggests that the women is tempting but then not willing to follow through. From another perspective, innocence is a path back to childhood, where erotic acts seem unnatural. The problem is it becomes misinterpreted through the lense of our society. Both innocence and deep sensual love have a place, sometimes they cross, sometimes not.
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On the subject of transformation- I stand my ground, I do believe that the Goddess has the capacity to heal the state of the world were in. And yes, she has MUCH work to do before achieving this, 'stealing the credit card' is part of the 'disease of excess' for which women are just as guilty and need just as much healing around.
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In consideration of the thought that men are of a more 'spiritual and leadership realm' while the female is more 'of the earth and provider realm' than its rather a paradox that men are the ones controlling the earth in aim of leadership.
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Anyways, may we all come into our own with the time we've been given to heal ourselves and the planet...thanks for the advise, I will continue my work to achieve a 'wider heart'.
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In compassion
~AYDRA J~
'Beautiful'
Lionkimbro...Thankyou so much for your affirming post. I believe that gay, straight, bisexual and transgenedered men have so much to offer each other. My email address is jeffmessage@yahoo.com
Speaking more generally, something I find fascinating in my work is that there is a deep hunger in the heart of men for connection...I have a number of clients who identify as straight...they have no sexual fantasies about men, never find other men physically attractive but they come to me for massage. No they don't want to have sex with me (though they usually want to experience orgasm) but mainly they want to be touched (I am a qualified massage therapist) by someone who they feel can empathise and truly comprehend what male sexuality and emotional needs are, who knows through experience what it is to actually BE a man. This is a complex and fascinating area. Male sexuality is a broad ranging phenomenon...complex, rich, moving, diverse,hilarious and joyful.
All of us make assumptions about what other people experience and want.There are so many pronouncements about what is right, wrong, healthy, perverse, mature, gross. depraved, etc...One person's disgust is another's delight. So many of us fall into the trap of..'this person is not like me so there must be something wrong with them'.
I felt desperately sad reading the above about 'reprogramming mens minds about eroticism' and 'your average closed heart male'. The mind and heart of men may not be what some woman want but surely the path is not one of reprogamming but listening, respecting, valuing. Who wants to be with someone who wants to reprogram them?
Long term relationships or even literal monogamy I do not feel are as difficult as is usually made out. I was with my last partner for twenty five years. Just be kind, listen, make lots of jokes, respect each other and never try to change each other. Oh and NEVER start a sentence with.... You are...or...You did. Treat the other person as you wish to be treated. If you stop getting along and you are both unhappy then let each other go with good grace.
Here endeth the sermon!
It's more than messy, it's wildly divergent
I really appreciate many of the sentiments in Wendy's article. But all of the (very generous) commentary here is evidence to me that our way of relating and loving is, in Kinsey-esque fashion, too diverse and broad to support one-size-fits-all solutions. I propose that the misstep Wendy makes is simply in some of the wording she chose. As an experiment, I made the following minor adjustments to her language (my text in italics, her original but deleted text in brackets). Obviously, I have no idea what Wendy's intent may or may not have been, and it's probably grossly presumptuous and grating to do this, but as I say, it's an experiment, and more to the point, expresses what I got from her message, which I think is extraordinarily valuable.
"Still, as complicated and messy as loving relationships can be, they are also an [the only] avenue available to us that can provide the kind of mind-blowing, wow-that-was-amazing sex that we all long for most. Making love with someone who you deeply love is a singular experience that can so unite[s] the intimates involved that it transforms them. It is a [the] proverbial glue that keeps the rest of the mess intact and can inspire[s] people to a compassion and kindness that they may not even know they are capable of. It is for me the truest part of what it means to be human and the act of love that accompanies it has the power to change the world."
. . .right out of my mouth
I'm confused, I don't think
Everyone Changes
Sometimes they work it out and sometimes they don't. Crazy!
Today is part of forever.
Worshipping
Maybe it doesn't even exist,