Three Life Lessons Learned from my Encounter with Meth Addiction

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“Hmmm…I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.”

“You’re a more impressive woman than I had guessed!”

“You’re able to keep clear of that and still drink?”

These are some of the responses I’ve gotten this past week when I revealed my one deepest, darkest secret: that I used to be a methamphetamine addict. No, I’m not joking. Yes, I can drink and “keep clear” (…err, somehow those two phrases don’t belong together).

My favorite comment so far I think has come from my dad who once said to me, “Are you going to write a book like A Million Little Pieces? You wouldn’t do that to us would you?”

This week marked 9 years since I decided “one hit was too many and a thousand was never enough,” as the 12-step saying goes. It has been 9 years since I admitted that my life had gotten out of my control and I needed help to steer it back on track.

People are mostly baffled when I tell them this secret because I don’t fit the image in their head of what a methamphetamine addict should be like. Some personal facts that don’t quite match up:

  • I was accepted to and graduated from the best public school in the US: UC Berkeley, achieving a 3.2 GPA.
  • I have traveled to over 10 countries in Europe and Latin America
  • I have a successful career
  • I have a loving family
  • I am a home owner
  • I appear to have my shit together
  • All of my teeth are real
  • I don’t live in a trailer

The why, what, when, where, and how of my addiction are not the interesting questions to clarify. I know that my experience as a meth (referred to colloquially as crank, speed, tweak, crystal, ice, or shit (these are here because people always ask for clarification)) addict gave me some important life lessons. It is a highly addictive substance and the consequences of addiction are life threateningly dangerous. I would never wish my experience on anyone and would never, ever (ever, ever) recommend that anyone should (or could), say, experiment a time or two without inhaling.

It’s hard to say why I had to endure this baffling and traumatic experience. I was raised in a loving middle class household with supportive parents. I guess this is one of those situations where the whole is less than the sum of its parts. As infamous addict Bradley Nowell of the 90s California ska/poprock band Sublime once sung, before he died of an overdose, “what I really want to say I can’t define.” What I can attempt to say (ma’ baby) is that my experience defines who I am as a person, and probably even led me to creating this blog about kindness, in some roundabout way.

I present you with three lessons I learned from my experience on the dark side.

1. The addict is not the “other”

“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like, who drinks as much as you do.” –Dylan Thomas

The addict is I and the addict is also…you. We all have addictions: coffee, alcohol, relationships, exercise, Facebook, sugar, sex, cigarettes, TV, etc. These are all distractions from being present in our lives. Reality is difficult for all of us to face and we all try to escape it through some method or another. It’s a matter of access. If you were given some methamphetamine to try, you would become hooked because it is a very powerful substance. But you’ve probably never been offered. When you come home from work and watch TV for 4 hours instead of working to make the world a better place, or even merely making you a better person, this is the same thing: escape from thoughts/escape from reality.

In August of this year, through my work, I visited a shelter in Brooklyn for women who are the victims of domestic abuse (it’s under the umbrella organization of my recent place of employment and we were getting a tour). I was really moved by the experience of seeing this and other places such as a foster care residence. I thought “it’s so nice to know that there’s help when we need it.” A coworker of mine had a different reaction: “It was depressing because I realized how much pain there is out there.” Out there. She saw pain as the “other” and I saw it as a potential part of myself.

We all fail, just to varying degrees. The only thing that separates the successful businessperson living in a NY high-rise from the woman sleeping over the subway vent out front is opportunity and access.

This quote hung on the refrigerator at my mother’s house for the duration of my childhood: “No man’s guilt is not yours, nor is any man’s innocence a thing apart.” –William Saroyan

My time as an addict gave me the best gift I could have never thought to ask for: it granted me the deepest of compassion and empathy for every living being. Because I know what darkness looks like through the window of my own soul, I now have the ability to look into another human’s eyes and know, truly know, that my pain and their pain are one in the same.

2. Adversity breeds resilience

It is also possible that the opposite is true: that resilience can overcome adversity. And maybe that’s why I was addicted to one of the most powerful man-made drugs for < 1 year and why instead I’m not lying dead in a ditch somewhere. But for the sake of the next few paragraphs, let’s talk about how overcoming something difficult and traumatic breeds character.

I just finished reading Malcolm Gladwell’s latest work of nonfiction, David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants. “In David and Goliath, Malcolm Gladwell challenges how we think about obstacles and disadvantages, offering a new interpretation of what it means to be discriminated against, or cope with a disability, or lose a parent, or attend a mediocre school, or suffer from any number of other apparent setbacks.”

Certainly not everyone who has faced a setback has come out stronger and more successful, but for those of us who have, we are given something valuable: the ability to overcome.

According to Wikipedia (which lets face is, is akin to God as the word of truth), “Methamphetamine addiction is one of the most difficult forms of addiction to treat. As a result of methamphetamine-induced neurotoxicity to dopaminergicneurons, chronic use may lead to post acute withdrawals which persist beyond the withdrawal period for months, and even up to a year. A study performed on female Japanese prison inmates suffering from methamphetamine addiction showed that 49% experienced “flashbacks” afterward and 21% experienced a psychosis resembling schizophrenia which persisted for longer than six months post-methamphetamine use; this amphetamine psychosis could be resistant to traditional treatment.”

Scary. Shit.

Because I kicked one of the most toxic, most addictive, and most powerful drugs known to man, I know that I am capable of anything. This summer I crushed my personal fitness goals, dropping three pant sizes in three months of dedicated diet and exercise change. And I did it without even thinking about cheating on my plan, not even once (ask my co-workers, who were SO ANNOYED by my not eating the notorious break room cake or bagels (if you’re a cubicle clockwatcher, you know about the break room treats), not even one single time).

Some other personal achievements post-rehab:

  • When I returned to UC Berkeley after taking 3 years off to sort out my brain-meats and do some soul-searching, I achieved near straight-A grades.
  • I then moved to Europe with $600 to my name and survived for a year by couchsurfing, hitchhiking, WOOFing, knocking on doors for work, and exercising extreme frugality.
  • I came back home to found and run SLO Green Drinks, a bi-monthly networking event for environmentalists. This event raised thousands of dollars for local nonprofits over the years, connected me with the movers and shakers of San Luis Obispo, and helped me get employment.
  • I eventually got a job I loved: managing HumanKind Fair Trade store. I was given the task of helping dredge the account ledger out of the red and I tackled it ferociously, increasing sales dramatically within my first year as manager and saving the store from closing its doors.
  • A year ago I ran my first ever half marathon and a month ago I ran my first ever full marathon.
My mom and I completed the Philadelphia Marathon together Nov 17, 2013. My mom is one of the strongest women I know and a talented runner. I never thought I’d accomplish this feat, let alone beside my inspiration!

Could I have done all of this without having undergone the painful experience as a drug addict? It is impossible to say. Is it possible that I did it better and with more confidence and resilience because I had acquired the ability to overcome hardship? Malcolm Gladwell argues yes.

My high school acquaintance Melissa recently wrote a blog about having been a “loser-kid” in high school. She is now a locally-famous internet personality as the “ifixit girl.” She is warm, genuine, inspiring, and from what I can deduct, a wonderful mother while maintaining a successful career. “We were “LoserKids,” and our weirdness, brokenness, and resourcefulness made us exceptional,” she argues in her blog post. Here’s something I’ve noticed: LoserKids get stuff done. LoserKids are innovative, and hilarious, and sensitive, and above all things, they’re brave. They’re used to being the weirdos, so they’re not afraid to stand up and speak against injustice. Their disadvantages growing up turned into their super powers as adults. LoserKids set the bar high, and they achieve, and when they’re done, they celebrate, and laugh, and prepare to do it all over again. LoserKids know how to work. Hard.” Visit www.melissajenna.com for more amazingness!

Here’s a photo of a famous loser-kid with the word “reject” emblazoned across his chest. He went on to become one of the most highly regarded and most successful actors of all time.

This blog post reports: “We don’t know many women who would say no to Hollywood’s leading man, but sure enough, Brad Pitt faced lots of rejection in middle school. He literally wore it on his chest. A snot-nosed 14-year-old who would grow up to become one of the world’s most attractive men gave his Cherokee Middle School basketball team the nickname “Rejects.” The Daily Mail reports Pitt helped organize the squad with friends after being cut from the eighth grade team in 1977.”

If Brad Pitt proudly wore his badge of loserdom, then let me sing my failures loud and clear! And then let me follow that song with one about how I WILL CRUSH ADVERSITY. BRING IT!

3. Buy in bulk The truth is never as terrifying as it seems

Easily the hardest day of my entire life was the day I told my parents that I had a problem: that I was a drug addict and I needed help. Having to tell them was so terrifying that in the months leading up to my dropping out of college and moving home, the thought of them knowing that I was a monster drove me to use more drugs. Oh the irony* of it!

Right now I’m in between jobs and it seems terrifying. What if I never find a career I like? What if no one wants to pay me what I’m worth? What if I’m not worth anything? What if I have to move back in with my parents? What if everyone thinks I’m worthless? These are the thoughts running through my head at any given moment (and I’m okay with that because you’d be lying if you said you never have these same thoughts. I’m calling you out).

When I stop listening to the panicked voice in my head, breathe, and then ask myself “what’s the worst possible thing that could happen in this situation?” and then accept that answer as do-able, then everything in my world is suddenly right again and I can face the day.

In the worst possible case scenario I can’t find a job, everyone thinks my resume sucks, I move back to California and I go on unemployment. Even worse? My family thinks I’m a loser and disowns me and I live under a bridge for a while until I can panhandle enough to buy a cardboard box and maybe a tarp. I’d probably make friends with a stray cat and maybe some cool trustafarians with a dog, maybe even acquiring Lyme’s disease. I’d probably appreciate meals more. And I’d learn to let go of some, if not all, of my materialistic clingings. Ideal? Absolutely not. Doable? Totally. Okay, now that I’ve faced that reality and some of my deepest fears (rejection, losing my possessions, humiliation) I’m ready to tackle the challenge of finding my next source of gainful employment.

The next time you are facing an immobilizing huge decision, just think about what it must have felt like for me to tell my parents that I had a drug problem. I thought they wouldn’t love me anymore. There’s pretty much nothing as hard as facing the fear of being unlovable. If I could face that fear, you can do pretty much anything. Hey! That’s pretty good advice! I should take it!

In conclusion

Why am I coming out with this? Why now?

I’m sick of slinking out of the room every time someone mentions how much they LOVE Breaking Bad. I’m sick of feeling ashamed about who I am. I’m sick of people pointing fingers at others. I’m sick of the financial disparity this causes. I’m sick of pretending that I’m okay. I’m not okay. I’m never okay. I will be taking life “one day at a time” for the rest of my life because that is where the magic happens: in the present moment.

A woman in one of my college classes once said to me “when I first met you I thought you were a stuck-up bitch and I was jealous of you because I thought you looked like Jessica Biel.” But guess what? I’m a mess, just like you are. The fellow student who said this to me went on to become my best friend so it’s a good thing we got to know each other. Thinking about comparing yourself to someone else? It’s the surest path to misery! Don’t go there!

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” This unattributed quote is often posted as a response to the photographs of Humans of New York. His portraits paint a picture of a species full of flaws, suffering, and often, loneliness. As the public views the photos and captions there is a realization from which springs hope, connection, and compassion. We see ourselves in the other and we realize, maybe for the first time, or maybe for the thousandth reminder, that we are all struggling with the overwhelming challenge that is life.

Please be kind. Please try not to judge. Just for today. Or if that’s too much, just for one hour, or one minute.

The reason my dad doesn’t want me to write A Million Little Pieces is because he feels shame that he didn’t do a good enough job as a parent and that people will find out how terrible he is if they know that his daughter was a drug addict. The truth is that he is one of the most inspiring people I have ever known and it is an honor to call him my dad. His strength and love helped heal me and continues to help me face adversity.

It took me a week to tell my parents that I’d been let go from my job because of fear and shame and you know what they each said? “You are capable of anything. We believe in you. And we are here to help if you need it.”

It is a wonder with so much love in the world that there is so much shame**. This is my path out of shame. This is my path toward kindness. Please join me.

*I’m always leery of using this word for fear of sounding like an idiot, or even worse, like Alanis Morisette, but I think I’m using it correctly here in that the expected outcome “asking for help” leads to something contrary “continuing the problem,” in this case drug use. Please let me know if I’m wrong!
**Yes, Brenè Brown is a huge source of inspiration to me! How did you know?

Reposted from www.kindnesschallengeblog.com post 12/20/13

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Ayahuasca Helps with Grief
A new study published in psychopharmacology found that ayahuasca helped those suffering from the loss of a loved one up to a year after treatment.

 

Ayahuasca Benefits: Clinical Improvements for Six Months
Ayahuasca benefits can last six months according to studies. Read here to learn about the clinical improvements from drinking the brew.

 

Ayahuasca Culture: Indigenous, Western, And The Future
Ayahuasca has been use for generations in the Amazon. With the rise of retreats and the brew leaving the rainforest how is ayahuasca culture changing?

 

Ayahuasca Guide: Effects, Common Uses, Safety
The Amazonian brew, Ayahuasca has a long history and wide use. Read our guide to learn all about the tea from its beginnings up to modern-day interest.

 

Ayahuasca and the Godhead: An Interview with Wahid Azal of the Fatimiya Sufi Order
Wahid Azal, a Sufi mystic of The Fatimiya Sufi Order and an Islamic scholar, talks about entheogens, Sufism, mythology, and metaphysics.

 

Ayahuasca and the Feminine: Women’s Roles, Healing, Retreats, and More
Ayahuasca is lovingly called “grandmother” or “mother” by many. Just how feminine is the brew? Read to learn all about women and ayahuasca.

What Is the Standard of Care for Ketamine Treatments?
Ketamine therapy is on the rise in light of its powerful results for treatment-resistant depression. But, what is the current standard of care for ketamine? Read to find out.

What Is Dissociation and How Does Ketamine Create It?
Dissociation can take on multiple forms. So, what is dissociation like and how does ketamine create it? Read to find out.

Having Sex on Ketamine: Getting Physical on a Dissociative
Curious about what it could feel like to have sex on a dissociate? Find out all the answers in our guide to sex on ketamine.

Special K: The Party Drug
Special K refers to Ketamine when used recreationally. Learn the trends as well as safety information around this substance.

Kitty Flipping: When Ketamine and Molly Meet
What is it, what does it feel like, and how long does it last? Read to explore the mechanics of kitty flipping.

Ketamine vs. Esketamine: 3 Important Differences Explained
Ketamine and esketamine are used to treat depression. But what’s the difference between them? Read to learn which one is right for you: ketamine vs. esketamine.

Guide to Ketamine Treatments: Understanding the New Approach
Ketamine is becoming more popular as more people are seeing its benefits. Is ketamine a fit? Read our guide for all you need to know about ketamine treatments.

Ketamine Treatment for Eating Disorders
Ketamine is becoming a promising treatment for various mental health conditions. Read to learn how individuals can use ketamine treatment for eating disorders.

Ketamine Resources, Studies, and Trusted Information
Curious to learn more about ketamine? This guide includes comprehensive ketamine resources containing books, studies and more.

Ketamine Guide: Effects, Common Uses, Safety
Our ultimate guide to ketamine has everything you need to know about this “dissociative anesthetic” and how it is being studied for depression treatment.

Ketamine for Depression: A Mental Health Breakthrough
While antidepressants work for some, many others find no relief. Read to learn about the therapeutic uses of ketamine for depression.

Ketamine for Addiction: Treatments Offering Hope
New treatments are offering hope to individuals suffering from addiction diseases. Read to learn how ketamine for addiction is providing breakthrough results.

Microdosing Ketamine & Common Dosages Explained
Microdosing, though imperceivable, is showing to have many health benefits–here is everything you want to know about microdosing ketamine.

How to Ease a Ketamine Comedown
Knowing what to expect when you come down from ketamine can help integrate the experience to gain as much value as possible.

How to Store Ketamine: Best Practices
Learn the best ways how to store ketamine, including the proper temperature and conditions to maximize how long ketamine lasts when stored.

How To Buy Ketamine: Is There Legal Ketamine Online?
Learn exactly where it’s legal to buy ketamine, and if it’s possible to purchase legal ketamine on the internet.

How Long Does Ketamine Stay in Your System?
How long does ketamine stay in your system? Are there lasting effects on your body? Read to discover the answers!

How Ketamine is Made: Everything You Need to Know
Ever wonder how to make Ketamine? Read our guide to learn everything you need to know about the procedures of how Ketamine is made.

Colorado on Ketamine: First Responders Waiver Programs
Fallout continues after Elijah McClain. Despite opposing recommendations from some city council, Colorado State Health panel recommends the continued use of ketamine by medics for those demonstrating “excited delirium” or “extreme agitation”.

Types of Ketamine: Learn the Differences & Uses for Each
Learn about the different types of ketamine and what they are used for—and what type might be right for you. Read now to find out!

Kitty Flipping: When Ketamine and Molly Meet
What is it, what does it feel like, and how long does it last? Read to explore the mechanics of kitty flipping.

MDMA & Ecstasy Guide: Effects, Common Uses, Safety
Our ultimate guide to MDMA has everything you want to know about Ecstasy from how it was developed in 1912 to why it’s being studied today.

How To Get the Most out of Taking MDMA as a Couple
Taking MDMA as a couple can lead to exciting experiences. Read here to learn how to get the most of of this love drug in your relationship.

Common MDMA Dosage & Microdosing Explained
Microdosing, though imperceivable, is showing to have many health benefits–here is everything you want to know about microdosing MDMA.

Having Sex on MDMA: What You Need to Know
MDMA is known as the love drug… Read our guide to learn all about sex on MDMA and why it is beginning to makes its way into couple’s therapy.

How MDMA is Made: Common Procedures Explained
Ever wonder how to make MDMA? Read our guide to learn everything you need to know about the procedures of how MDMA is made.

Hippie Flipping: When Shrooms and Molly Meet
What is it, what does it feel like, and how long does it last? Explore the mechanics of hippie flipping and how to safely experiment.

How Cocaine is Made: Common Procedures Explained
Ever wonder how to make cocaine? Read our guide to learn everything you need to know about the procedures of how cocaine is made.

A Christmas Sweater with Santa and Cocaine
This week, Walmart came under fire for a “Let it Snow” Christmas sweater depicting Santa with lines of cocaine. Columbia is not merry about it.

Ultimate Cocaine Guide: Effects, Common Uses, Safety
This guide covers what you need to know about Cocaine, including common effects and uses, legality, safety precautions and top trends today.

NEWS: An FDA-Approved Cocaine Nasal Spray
The FDA approved a cocaine nasal spray called Numbrino, which has raised suspicions that the pharmaceutical company, Lannett Company Inc., paid off the FDA..

The Ultimate Guide to Cannabis Bioavailability
What is bioavailability and how can it affect the overall efficacy of a psychedelic substance? Read to learn more.

Cannabis Research Explains Sociability Behaviors
New research by Dr. Giovanni Marsicano shows social behavioral changes occur as a result of less energy available to the neurons. Read here to learn more.

The Cannabis Shaman
If recreational and medical use of marijuana is becoming accepted, can the spiritual use as well? Experiential journalist Rak Razam interviews Hamilton Souther, founder of the 420 Cannabis Shamanism movement…

Cannabis Guide: Effects, Common Uses, Safety
Our ultimate guide to Cannabis has everything you want to know about this popular substances that has psychedelic properties.

Cannabis and Ayahuasca: Mixing Entheogenic Plants
Cannabis and Ayahuasca: most people believe they shouldn’t be mixed. Read this personal experience peppered with thoughts from a procannabis Peruvian Shaman.

CBD-Rich Cannabis Versus Single-Molecule CBD
A ground-breaking study has documented the superior therapeutic properties of whole plant Cannabis extract as compared to synthetic cannabidiol (CBD), challenging the medical-industrial complex’s notion that “crude” botanical preparations are less effective than single-molecule compounds.

Cannabis Has Always Been a Medicine
Modern science has already confirmed the efficacy of cannabis for most uses described in the ancient medical texts, but prohibitionists still claim that medical cannabis is “just a ruse.”

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