I apologize for my inability to distinguish the benevolent warrior
from the heartless warrior, a reflection of my own confusion dealing
with the battlefields of yore. When I opened my heart too wide, I was
vulnerable to attack from warring factions. I was conditioned to believe
that I had to stay rigid, focused, prepared for any eventuality, in the
desire to protect myself and others from attack. But I went too far,
and closed too tight, and eradicated the bridge between our hearts. I am
seeing this now and I am sorry.
I apologize for my perpetual absence, a reflection of my own inner
absence, my inability to connect from a heart jammed tight by unresolved
emotions that I did not have the tools to work through. I still lack
many of these tools, but I am open to their emergence.
I apologize for my inability to distinguish relationship from war.
Like a warrior in enemy territory, I would sneak in and out of your life
in the night, plundering and selfishly taking what I needed, then
crawling back to the other side of the abyss with the spoils. I gave
little back for fear that I would become vulnerable to attack. I had war
on the brain and I could not see the river of love waiting on the other
side of the battlefield. I now recognize that love is the antidote for
the armoured warrior, but I could not drink the antidote in my driven
state.
I apologize for not seeing you, my eyes blinded by congealed rage and
unshed tears. If it is any consolation, and I imagine it is not, I
could not see myself either. I saw only that which served my
hyper-vigilance, my warrior focus. My mirror was a battlefield.
I apologize for my ungrounded materialism, my power driven tyrannies,
my obsession with accumulation. Somehow I imagined that accumulation
would protect me and those close to me, but I failed to recognize that
it just perpetuated the madness. I also apologize for my egoic abuses, a
reflection of my own misguided ego, pumped up to deal with an
inherently competitive world. I couldn't distinguish the healthy,
confident ego from the cocky, unhealthy ego. I went much too far in the
wrong direction.
I apologize for a sexuality that was objectifying and disconnected
from the heart. I know you longed for real intimacy, a merging of our
souls along the heart-genital highway. But there were too many defences
around my heart, and no bridge could form between our souls. There were
moments when your loving ways freed me from my body masks, but I had no
template to stand in that heart-fire. I am sorry for this, for I know
that the path you longed for was the path to God.
I apologize for my horrifying acts of violence, a reflection of my
own congealed rage, my own inability to distinguish real enemies from
friends. There are no words that can undo what I have done in those
moments of madness. I know this, I do. I would hide my face in shame,
but that won't make things better. I need to own my misdeeds, and then
find a way to believe in my capacity to move from a more loving place. I
call out to other male warriors to be accountable for the actions of
our gender, not in a way that is self-hating, but in a way that is
courageously self-honest and genuinely compassionate. The heartfelt
warrior acknowledges the error of his ways, and has the courage to do
all he can to make amends over time.
I apologize for my inability to develop a conscious relationship. You
were right there with your beautiful heart on your sleeve but I was too
attached to my individualism and afraid of this unknown terrain. I know
the forests, the marketplace and the ways of the outer world so well,
but my inner geography is foreign to me. You called me to a place I was
ill-prepared to go, although I sensed, below the surface of my bravado,
that you called me home.
I am grateful for your willingness to believe that who I was in those
rare moments of vulnerability was the real me. You were right- the real
me lives inside of my heart- but a few moments now and then was the
most I could handle. I saw you as dangerous, for in your presence I
began to taste a surrendered way of being. Nonetheless, your faith in my
goodness kept me going through many a battle, and restored my faith in
life when I most needed it. You were the light at the end of a barbaric
tunnel, and I am blessed.
I am grateful that you stuck with me through thick and thin, and I
also understand those times you had to give up and let go. I now
recognize that there is meaningful difference between a love-ship and a
relationship. Love alone is not enough. Without a shared willingness to
become conscious, there can only be frustration. I was so often
impossible, clinging to my unconsciousness like a soldier clings to his
weapons. I recognize the courage it took for you to keep your heart open
in the presence of my resistance. You had every right to seek an
authentic relationship, as your spirit was ignited in its presence. Your
beautiful heart had every right to be met in its openness and
willingness. I am grateful for the time you gave me, a moments respite
from the hiding places I mistakenly called home.
I am grateful for Grandmother, for no one saw my tenderness more
clearly. I am grateful for Mother, for choosing to bring me into being
and for nourishing my body until I could find my feet. I am grateful for
Mother Earth, for grounding my expansion and enlivening my spirit. I am
grateful for the Divine Mother, the real Mother of us all. I now feel
her divine presence, so close. Fiercely compassionate, she was always
right here, breathing life into me, holding me safe. I sit in her lap as
she breathes me.
I look forward to the day when the only thing that ignites
relationship is two souls calling out to one another, two soul-hearts
beating in the same direction, a whisper of longing that bridges one
essence to another. I want to want you not because it gratifies my ego,
not because you are outwardly beautiful, but because your very presence
invites my Godself out of hiding. I want to touch you with my heart on
my sleeve, to know chemistry between us that is not gender identified,
but that is essence sourced, loves liquid lava flowing from the heart to
the genitals to the great beyond. In this love-struck world,
relationship will always be experienced as spiritual practice, a
devotional expression of our God-self.
I had always believed that sensitivity is impossible to hold to in a
harsh world. Yet in this moment, I feel sensitive, but without the
fragility. I am still wearing armor but there is a shift in the
direction of my intensity. I can linger in the heart-space a little
longer than I once could, I am softening in places. After so many
lifetimes with weapon in hand, a tenderling warrior is being birthed in
the core of my being. He is confused, but he intuitively knows that this
is the way home.
Please don't give up on me or my fellow warriors. Forgive us our
misdeeds, or, at the least, be open to the possibility that we will
change as the trail expands to meet our shifting intentionality. The day
will come when our warrior spirit loses its harsh edge, and comes into
alignment with benevolent action. Some of us are already there, and many
more of us will follow. The road to transformation is dependent on a
bridge between genders, a benevolent bridge that celebrates our
differences with respect and kindness. That work must begin with healing
the rifts along the gender continuum, working hard to heal the
collective heart until one day we can stand on a bridge across forever,
hands held together, hearts open and alight, embracing the sacred
masculine and divine feminine living at the heart of us all. I will meet
you there.
May you feel the love of the Divine Mother crashing down on your
heartfelt shores, graciously lifting you up above the madness of the
world, nestling you in the grateful arms of those you have nurtured.
Those of us who have received your blessings may not always acknowledge
it, but your acts of love have landed within us, growing us stronger and
infusing us with love's light. Thank you.
Photo by simon_ram, courtesy of Creative Commons license.
