If you could make love, have sweaty sublime sex, get down and dirty with any past spiritual teacher, deity, angel, god or goddess in the entire universe, who would it be and why?
Now before you roll your third eye or cross yourself or finger your prayer beads, know that this slightly provocative idea is nothing close to being new. Truth be told, the divine has been getting it on since time immemorial. For example, the Babylonian goddess Ishtar seduced a mortal man, Gilgamesh. In Canaan, the chief god El has sex with the goddess Asherah. In Egyptian religions, the god Osiris has sex with his sister, the great goddess Isis. The Hindu god Krishna had sex with countless women, often at the same time, as he simply multiplied himself (Hey, he's a god. Why have one orgasm, when you can have thousands simultaneously?), but more commonly with his true love, the mortal woman Radha. And don't get me started with all the libidinous fun the Greek God Zeus had way back in the classical day. And celestial intercourse was experienced, often quite graphically, by many mystics round this world such as St. Theresa, Rumi, Hafiz, and Mirabai, just to name a few.
Now you might be thinking, this is all well and good for those deities or "special" mortals who managed to attract such illuminated lust, but what about little ol' ordinary, career-climbing, coffee-drinking, occasionally meditative me? To which I'll say this: Divine booty calls did not just happen in the ancient past. They're happening right now. All you have to do is wink back. That said, it's always wise to screen your divine dates; use your intuition, and be sure to check out their history. Here are a few examples to get your loins levitating and your mind lubricated:
Jesus Christ: This spiritual teacher is definitely at the top of my "to do" list. With his long hair, tan skin, healing touch, rebel yell, ability to resurrect (wink) himself, and "Love your neighbor as yourself" attitude, I'm convinced he's one helluva Lover. Mary Magdalene concurs. Risks: he gets in trouble with the law (all laws really – socio-cultural, political, religious), hangs extra tight with his male buddies, and might mysteriously disappear for ten years at a time.
Kali: Um, hello? This Hindu goddess has four arms and a looong tongue, and she likes to dance naked. Need I say more? Ok, maybe I do. If you can get over the skulls circling her neck, the human appendages hanging off her waist, and her preference for late-night cemetery romps, I'd say you're good to go, but always with her on top. Risks: your life being destroyed and losing your head (and with it, your ego). Hint: Watch out for the sword.
Buddha: Calm, yet awake. Mindful, free of dukka … zzzzzzzz. Whoops, sorry – I sort of dozed off there. I mean, could you really imagine him throwing you across his lap for a good spank while he's in lotus position? Let's be honest, despite the undeniable enlightenment this glorious being has provided to the planet, he has seriously low sex appeal, not to mention quite a large belly.
White Buffalo Calf Woman: A beautiful and wise native warrior. She's what you might call "outdoorsy," and she likes to see you sweat (after all, she introduced sweat lodges to native ceremony). Risks: She smokes, and will ask you to do so too, but this is an honor. Also, please don't think bad thoughts around her. Let her approach you first, and hang on to your flesh (read up on her myth before you wink).
Dionysus: Graeco-Roman god, also known as Bacchus. This intoxicating deity loves to dance, take ecstasy, and party all night long. Risks: He might drive you mad, turn you into an alcoholic, or make you hump trees.
Kwan Yin: She's compassionate, elegant, serene, and a Buddhist bodhisattva – she's vowed never to rest until all beings in the entire universe are enlightened. As my friend Marc says, she gives and gives and gives, yet no one gives to her. He knows exactly what he wants to give her to make her smile even wider. Risks: There's really no risk with this lovely goddess, besides the risk of not loving her enough. Sigh.
Shiva: Matty-haired Hindu god who knows a thing or five billion about Tantra. Let's just say he knows how to handle his snake. Risks: He sometimes turns ascetic, likes to cover his body with ashes, and shoot fire out of his third eye.
Aphrodite: The Greek goddess of beauty and love and all things sensual. This would surely be an epic encounter. Risks: She's vain, moody, jealous, causes wars (Trojan, but at least we got some decent condom jokes from it), and although married to Hephaestus, is definitely polyamorous. You might want to avoid any golden apples she offers.
Rumi: There is nothing sexier than a love-drunk mystic with a holy hangover who dances and drinks wine and sings some of the most beautiful sensual ecstatic love poetry of all time. Count me in on that party. But of course I'd have to make room for Shams. Risks: Drama, tears, constant whirling, and he may not be into women. (By the way, all sexual orientations are celebrated in the divine's bedroom.)
A word about Christian angels: Horny. Some of them at least. Well, enough of them that an entire "lost" book of the Bible was written about their lust for human women. So venture at your own risk, and always use protection (or at least practice hip-stretching yoga asanas.) The Book of Enoch tells us that half-angel, half-human babies are quite large, giants really, and none too pretty. Which reminds me, also beware of devils masquerading as gods or angels – like with any new lover, use discernment. When in doubt, say you have a headache and call it a night.
We've barely skimmed the divine's little red book. There are thousands more tantalizing beings to explore. Eventually, with authentic practice, the myriad of divine forms you let into your pants, as well as into your heart, will meld and merge and transmute into one constant all-encompassing Divine Lover. A Lover that is not outside of you or separate from you, but is You. As many mystics know, the more you venture within, the more you play passionately with divinity, the more like God/dess you will become. In all truth, a making of love. A constant cosmic orgasm. A modern-day mystico-erotic activist who's equipped to create some major change on this all-too-often spiritually-frigid planet.
So.
You ready to start blowing the panties off angels and making some deities drool?
I thought so. Feel free to let me know your delectable deities of choice and why.
Sera Beak is a world-traveled Harvard-trained scholar of comparative religion and an intrepid "spiritual cowgirl." Her first book, The Red Book: A Deliciously Unorthodox Approach to Igniting Your Divine Spark, is aimed at jaded, yet still spiritually curious young women, although the material speaks to all ages and genders. She calls the book a "firestarter." Sera is called "a woman who is hands down the freshest, boldest breath of fresh air spirituality has heard, read or seen in decades" by Maureen Moss, author, motivational speaker, and radio host of worldpuja.org. Her website is http://serabeak.com.
Illustration by Adam Mignanelli.
