Facing the Shadows: Understanding the Journey of Eating Disorder Recovery
People pleasing, codependency, self-sabotage, unhealthy coping skills, addictions, overachieving—all to prove my worth.
Most people don’t air their shadow sides out for the world to see out of fear, shame, or both. Working professionally in the field of eating disorders and mental health for over half a decade has taught me many things that I am forever grateful for. One of the most important is that sharing your story helps others feel less alone.
I know that somewhere out there, there, too, is someone who feels so lost in life. That struggles in silence and carries burdens that no one in the outside world would know about. That knows, there must be a better way of living, but one does not necessarily know how to get there or which direction to take. That feels like life is just one big unsurmountable mountain that keeps getting steeper and steeper the higher you climb.
I say, “I know there is someone out there,” but the fact is, there are many people out there like this, and only a few choose to get to the point of seeking help or have the privilege of accessing help. I have seen firsthand what it is like for patients on state-funded mental health benefits who desperately need access to help and how tough it can be to access those benefits and navigate that entire system.
The Reality of Treatment Access and Limitations
As someone who has been in and out of therapy since their teenage years and has been put on numerous medications to help with depression and anxiety—I know what it is like to go through the rollercoaster of new medications building up in the system and be met with horrible side effects.
Have medications helped me in the past? Yes. Having sessions in therapy helped me in the past, sure. I believe there are many benefits to both. For me however, these were always temporary solutions. I only felt good while the medication was being released into my system. I only felt good when sitting in the therapy chair and working through the problem at hand while being talked through it by my therapist.
I had a hard time practicing the modalities outside of the therapy chair. When situations arose, I would divert back to the unhealthy coping skills of my eating disorder to self-sabotage. The thing with eating disorders that I want people to understand is that they are so much more complex than achieving a perfect body. They often develop due to unhealed traumas or belief systems that desperately need reprogramming.
Being a provider in the eating disorder space, one of the biggest things we try to teach to patients in recovery is the concept of self-compassion while being gentle and loving with yourself. This all sounds like rainbows and cotton candy, but when you are so knee-deep in the depths of despair and hopelessness, this mindset is the furthest thing to achieve. I know this, because I have too been that patient, and on the provider’s side, I have run hundreds of support groups over the years where I can see it in patient’s faces that they don’t even know where to begin.
A Different Path: My Experience with Psilocybin Therapy
I will never forget the first time I had the privilege of taking psilocybin for the benefits of mental health. The session lasted approximately six hours. During that time, many emotions came to the surface. As I began peeling back incredibly deep layers, I was able to zoom out and see why I was continuously engaging in the toxic behaviors of my eating disorder. For the first time, I was able to look at myself and my trauma responses through a lens of compassion and empathy—something I could never fully achieve in all my years of therapy and medication.
After my session, I was forever changed. Everyone in this lifetime should get the privilege of accessing this medicine. This experience was so inspiring that I applied to the Master’s in Psychedelic and Consciousness Studies program offered by the University of Ottawa. From that point on, I was able to start integrating the revelations I had made into making healthier choices when it came to my coping patterns, and I have been behind the scenes doing my own personal research on psilocybin.
Working in the corporate field of eating disorders for many years was a wonderful thing, but I had to stay silent about this topic for many years out of fear of losing my career, which I worked incredibly hard over the years to build.
Early this October, I was laid off from my corporate position. It was a hard blow for all the work I had put in over the years to get to where I was. I took a week to feel the slew of emotions I needed to feel, and then I realized that this was my time to pivot and talk about the importance of psilocybin and how it has the potential to revolutionize the field of mental health and the treatment of eating disorders.
Trauma Therapy and the Roadblocks to Healing
Trauma therapy can be incredibly helpful for patients with eating disorders to enable the processing of certain events that contribute to the disordered patterns. The downside to this work is that it can be incredibly overwhelming for a patient in sessions to face their shadows. In turn, this leads to shutting down, disassociation, and ultimately, patients wanting to give up the work because it is just too painful.
Due to insurance reasons, patients may only be given a certain number of sessions per month or year, and what this can ultimately result in is patients then only using the sessions to touch on surface-level problems, not ever getting the chance to go deeper into the trauma before the sessions run out. So, between the medications with band-aid effects until they wear off and therapy sessions that may never get to the root of the problem, forgive me for stating the obvious: What the hell are we doing?
Psilocybin in Clinical Trials
A study published by The National Institute of Health states that several psilocybin-assisted psychotherapy (PAP) trials show preliminary efficacy in facilitating confronting traumatic memories, decreasing emotional avoidance, depression, anxiety, pessimism, and disconnection from others, and increasing acceptance, self-compassion, and forgiveness.
Another study conducted by the National Institute of Health found that just two sessions with psilocybin produced a rapid and significant improvement in depressive symptoms, which was maintained for up to six months post-treatment.
For all the patients in eating disorder recovery who are on numerous medications with horrible side effects, and for those struggling to develop self-compassion or reach the root of their trauma because it’s too painful to face in therapy—I need you to know: there is a different way.
Moving Forward: The Future of Psilocybin in Therapy
We still have a long way to go before this type of therapy becomes legal, accessible, and affordable. The good news is that companies and universities such as Compass Pathways, UC San Diego Eating Disorder Center, and the University of Sydney are already conducting research on this treatment. The bad news is that we do not exactly know how long this process will take.
If you are curious to learn more about incorporating psilocybin into your healing journey, I personally feel Psychedelic Passage is a great resource. Numerous retreats in and out of the US offer this type of therapy. I am not a licensed clinician; therefore, I will always recommend running this by your treatment team.
Psychedelic trips are different for everyone, and there is no guarantee that you will always get to the root of the problem. My biggest red flag warning to anyone wanting to try this will be to those who are currently in unhealthy relationships or may not have the best relationships around them. Whether that be friendships, romantic relationships, work environments, family members and so on. You see, Psilocybin can have the effects of seeing people in your life that may be harmful to your wellbeing, with intensified love and empathy, which can be a wonderful thing, because we all deserve to be seen in that light, but this can also keep you stuck in unhealthy dynamics that may not be the best for you to thrive.
This can happen to those who tend to see the best in people and often look past the things in their interpersonal relationships that do not necessarily feel right but know in their gut something is off. I say this from both personal and professional experiences, as well as consulting with two top researchers in the field. Trips can also be very emotionally heavy for someone who is not prepared, so working with someone well-educated to help guide you and process with you is key. Just like sharing our stories to help others feel less alone, the more we start to talk about this, the more significant ripple effect it will have.
Sources: Khan AJ, Bradley E, O’Donovan A, Woolley J. Psilocybin for Trauma-Related Disorders. Curr Top Behav Neurosci. 2022;56:319-332. doi: 10.1007/7854_2022_366. PMID: 35711024.
Dawood Hristova JJ, Pérez-Jover V. Psychotherapy with Psilocybin for Depression: Systematic Review. Behav Sci (Basel). 2023 Mar 31;13(4):297. doi: 10.3390/bs13040297. PMID: 37102811; PMCID: PMC10135952.
Susan Rossell, Director Clinical Trials and Professor Cognitive Neuropsychiatry Centre for Mental Health and Brain Sciences, & Claire Finkelstein, Clinical Psychologist and PhD candidate. (2024, August 13). Magic mushrooms may one day treat anorexia, but not just yet. The Conversation. https://theconversation.com/magic-mushrooms-may-one-day-treat-anorexia-but-not-just-yet-230391
Ucsd. (2022, August 1). UCSD anorexia trial: Comp360 psilocybin therapy in anorexia nervosa: A proof-of-concept study. UCSD Clinical Trials. https://clinicaltrials.ucsd.edu/trial/NCT05481736
Your advocate in psychedelic exploration. Psychedelic Passage. (n.d.). https://www.psychedelicpassage.com/
